i think its because we’re all unemployed…
or about to be laid off.
why did i have to go to university? it wasn’t so i’d get a job, right? good. didn’t think so.
thanks for refusing me an interview for a job I’m qualified for without even considering my application.
makes me reconsider spending an hour per application…
ugh.
clearly for the first time in my life and it feels good. :)
that its time to move on. its finally time to start my life. i know, not exactly the best time to begin, but i must. its definitely a scary time for me. i’m not sure where my next step will take me or even when it might happen. i’m stuck in a kind of limbo. hopefully i can come back to this place sometime in the near future but for now, its time to move forward. my only wish is that i’m happy, in whatever comes next.
wishing and hoping. this is when my dreams are supposed to come true.
i’ve been awfully sentimental as of late. i was going through some paperwork from the beginning of my time here in london and i got to thinking. i was thinking about how last sept. 19th, when i arrived here, everything was so new and exciting. i had maps printed out to help me get around cause i was so afraid of getting lost, i had everything planned out but i still had so much fun. now that i’m wrapping things up and preparing for my last week here, i find myself wandering around town, confidence in my step because i know i really can’t get all that lost, and being spontaneous. today, my friend melanie and i were supposed to go to the harry potter premiere in trafalger square. once we got there we quickly figured out that you had to have a special wristband to get in that was handed out on monday. well needless to say we didn’t have those wristbands so we immediately get to thinking about the places nearby that we haven’t been to yet. we quickly decide to make the trek over to the imperial war museum and began walking. we didn’t have directions, just a general feeling of where we were and where we were going and with the help of a few signs, we made it. that is something i would have never considered doing when i first got here and all i can think is wow, look how far we’ve come. :)
that i’m highly analytical and that i like to stay in my head. this makes me great at my job, not so great at life. for once i’m trying to get outside of my own head and reasoning and go with my feelings. this has proven very difficult. we shall see how this ends.
that i was at the airport waiting to leave and my family was there waiting to see me off. its a scene we’ve replayed several time since being here in London. that anxious feeling of sitting there, watching the clock tick by knowing the inevitable is about to play out. its painful. and that is mostly what i remember about this dream, that pain, knowing the pain its causing my family to watch me leave.
see, here’s the thing. i grew up a military brat. therefore we moved every three years or so to another base. my friends at each of these bases did the same. so i never really had friends for more than three years. we had an expiration date. so this made each of us in my family learn to love and appreciate each other as friends. i’m happy to say that each member of my family is both a mother and friend, sister and friend, father and friend, and brother and friend. we had to learn to rely on each other.
i think this is why our family is so close. we constantly have people comment that its such an odd sight to see our family get along the way they do. we’re the envy of other families, and i know this. some may think this may hamper us, that we become dependent on each other. but i don’t think this is true. i think we’ve just reached that point, that point that usually comes later in life, that we appreciate each other and know that the time we have together is precious. usually that moment comes after the loss of a loved one. for us, it happened earlier.
that is why its so hard to leave them and move across the atlantic. i’m taking a piece out of the family. the family at home isn’t whole anymore. and its hard. its the same thing that happened when my dad was shipped off to Saudi Arabia the numerous times he went. we just weren’t whole.
this is why i think i’m ready to come back home. i love london. don’t get me wrong. i love being here. i’ve learned so many valuable lessons while living here most importantly i’ve learned how to live on my own, to support myself. you may criticize me for wanting to be home, you may think i’m too much of a homebody and too dependent on my family. i think you will realize how i’m feeling in maybe 20 years time (i sure hope its longer than that). then i don’t think you’ll criticize me.
my family is precious to me and i love them, can i really be wrong for that?
an essay to finish that was due on friday. an introduction to do for my dissertation and other various research due tuesday.
what a fabulous time to get sick :(
time for a bit of reading then headed for bed.
here’s to hoping i’m better in the morning!
